This is my existence. Thank you for putting on paper because part of this pain is the crushing loneliness. The only difference is that I think I am fooling people with my smile and my weak attempt at small talk, because people see what they want and most people want everyone else to be fine because that’s easier. And in any case, they can’t even get close to understanding what this is like. Even if they love you they can’t. It’s impossible. They might have some surface-level understanding of the fear or the frustration but they cannot appreciate the relentlessness. What it means to exist in a constant trauma state. Someday this will end and we, like our children, will just be collateral damage. There will be an after — I know this on an intellectual level, but I cannot get a sense of that yet. From here, all I see is a future filled with blinding anger.
Hi Linoak, just wanted to say I'm right there with you. I have a different situation with loss of my child, but I've lived in the constant darkness you're describing. I hope it's gotten better for you in the last month since you posted. I am starting to see glimmers of light at the end of this tunnel, in terms of coping and getting stronger, and I hope you are, too. God bless you and keep you, and may his peace and light shine upon you!
You are absolutely spot on Lynn. Mothers don't throw themselves off the cliff when their children have been reported lost at sea. We eventually learn how to live with it, and one day they might come walking through the gate again with their physical and mental injuries ready to be looked after.
Angela, that's the depth of darkness in the middle of the tunnel, but there is hope just a tiny bit further on. God is with us and our children, and he will bring goodness out of this agony, just as he brought salvation out of the cross. I am with you as well. We and our kids will get through this hell.
Absolutely! :) I am intimately familiar with the darkness you're communicating.
You are totally right...God is the one giving us strength to move forward through this agony, even if we are the "walking dead," as I like to characterize the feeling in my life.
And he sees you cooperating with him and taking those steps, however shuffling... that is gritty, hard-won virtue right there: long-suffering, courage, patience, love, strength, & fortitude.
As mothers, our hearts have been torn out of our chests with the loss of our children. Just not giving up completely on life is a huge, gigantic, *enormous* victory in this horrible, bloody, carnage-ridden spiritual war.
The only thing that has helped me is to draw closer to God. So even in that, he is *already* bringing greater good out of this hell, since (we will eventually see) being closer to him is the whole point of everything...I think drawing us closer to him is just God's down payment, with further victories yet to come even in this earthly life.
You have said it all when you use the words “spiritual war.“ Once our children decide to eliminate us from their lives for not affirming their choice to live as someone they were not created to be, the only weapon we have is prayer. I am waiting at the top of the hill, like the prodigal’s father, ready to have a party to celebrate the return of my son.
What a lovely and wise piece. One of the big lies of gender ideology (and woke ideology in general) is that because there is suffering, there must be a fix. And there isn't a fix, medical or otherwise. We all want to escape suffering, but the harder we try, the more miserable we are. Unbearable pain CAN be born, and we do nothing to help anyone, let alone ourselves, by refusing to let the songs of the birds and the river enter our hearts.
Thank you for the hope you so beautifully described. I've been dealing with the heartbreak of being cut-off for almost 18 months now and the tears still flow frequently. Knowing others are dealing with the same is incredibly sad yet comforting at the same time. Hope is all we have to hold on to and looking forward to the day peace finds its way into my soul.
Thank you for being a voice in the silence. Never have I felt more alone and helpless than in these struggles with my child. I cry out to the Lord, I talk to husband and to my own mother, but nobody can offer me the advice or comfort I'm looking for. A futile search on the internet, leads me to stories of hate crimes and acceptance. I love my child. As a believer, I will not waiver from the truth. The very basis of life, of God's creation, stems from the one man and one woman, there simply is no in-between. I feel like I want to scream from sheer frustration. Thank you for sharing your words. Thank you for speaking my reality. Thank you to God, for the answered prayer in finding your platform. But, now what? What do we do to fix this? Where do we go from here?
This is beautiful, and so helpful. I'm in a different kind of situation with an ambiguous loss of my beloved daughter. What a help that term is - "ambiguous loss" - that I read in one of your posts, Ms. Meagher.
One way I deal with my pain is to, in prayer, give it to Jesus to unite it with his suffering on the cross, and give it to Mary to join it to her agony as a mother who had to watch her son suffer utter humiliation, disfigurement, rejection, and unbearable spiritual and physical pain. That's part of why Jesus came to earth - to become Emmanuel - "God with us" in a radical way, to join with us humans in our suffering and lift it up into his own, and to make it meaningful and fruitful.
Obviously, I'm Catholic, but even if you're not, I think it might be helpful to meditate on a crucifix and imagine the love of a God who would endure that torture (severe whipping, a "crown" of thorns, carrying of the cross, and slow, eventual suffocation on the cross) to save his children, his daughters and sons. And to imagine a loving spiritual mother who knows what depth of torment it is to endure the suffering and loss of of her child.
Most importantly, the Catholic faith gives me something to DO with my suffering, to make it productive! My prayers and my pain, offered to God for my daughter, give her grace - the help she needs to live a full, virtuous, happy life here and eventually with God in heaven. This is so incredibly consoling for me. It's said that the great theologian Saint Augustine was converted by the graces won by the tears & prayers of his mother, Saint Monica (patron saint of mothers). I ask Mary and Saint Monica for their intercession with God, and it takes some of the weight off of me as well.
Praying a rosary & or seven sorrows of Mary rosary gives me strength as well. May God bless you & yours!
Gosh, Christopher, such a show of vulgarity, all in the effort to deny what you know will never change - your mother’s love for you. You will always be your mother’s only son and your mother will always love you and both of your sisters.
Just like you will never be able to change the fact that you are male.
I hope you and the man you live with have a wonderful, happy New Year.
My gawd you sound like one of those crazy AGPs who hated himself so much for being gay that he thought he should cut his penis off as the 'cure'! Hope you get the psych help you need but I doubt you will. Signed, The Terf Next Door
Wow, so what kinds of qualifications do you have to be able to diagnose your mother? If you are actually qualified, you do realize that discussing it in public is unprofessional at best, and an actionable Offense? You're lucky to be a hateful child and not one of the numerous unethical mental health professionals who exist among us. Try not to hurt yourself sonny boy.
It is clear you have strong feelings about this, however personal attacks are not reasonable. Lynn is doing important work standing up for those who are vulnerable and protecting children. I am thankful for her efforts.
This person is so mature--notice the 2nd grade name calling? And lacking in basic honesty. I--have read the book. It is reliable; it just does not feed into the compelled speech and validation transgenders require.
It's very sad, and speaks volumes about your character, that you would seek out your mother's writing just to leave these juvenile comments. I've lived through abuse and had a narcissistic parent who hurt me very much, and I would never seek out my abuser to leave comments like this. So what that says to me is that Lynn is not some terrible evil person but a scapegoat you feel safe and comfortable harassing and attacking online. Because the terrible evil people in my life? I try very hard to stay away from them, just for my own safety and peace of mind. I don't go to their blogs and call them "poopoo peepee dumb dumb."
So beautifully written. This accurately reflects the path I've traveled over the past three years and it so helps to know that I'm not alone.
If only I was as articulate as you. Your words depict my pain so accurately.
This is my existence. Thank you for putting on paper because part of this pain is the crushing loneliness. The only difference is that I think I am fooling people with my smile and my weak attempt at small talk, because people see what they want and most people want everyone else to be fine because that’s easier. And in any case, they can’t even get close to understanding what this is like. Even if they love you they can’t. It’s impossible. They might have some surface-level understanding of the fear or the frustration but they cannot appreciate the relentlessness. What it means to exist in a constant trauma state. Someday this will end and we, like our children, will just be collateral damage. There will be an after — I know this on an intellectual level, but I cannot get a sense of that yet. From here, all I see is a future filled with blinding anger.
Hi Linoak, just wanted to say I'm right there with you. I have a different situation with loss of my child, but I've lived in the constant darkness you're describing. I hope it's gotten better for you in the last month since you posted. I am starting to see glimmers of light at the end of this tunnel, in terms of coping and getting stronger, and I hope you are, too. God bless you and keep you, and may his peace and light shine upon you!
You are absolutely spot on Lynn. Mothers don't throw themselves off the cliff when their children have been reported lost at sea. We eventually learn how to live with it, and one day they might come walking through the gate again with their physical and mental injuries ready to be looked after.
You are a beautiful soul.
needed this. thank you
Painfully sweet, and deeply moving.
Impossible to feel sorry for someone who murdered her own son. You are truly a failure as a parent, and God will judge you accordingly.
I do not believe it ever gets better. We just learn to mask our pain in front of others.
Angela, that's the depth of darkness in the middle of the tunnel, but there is hope just a tiny bit further on. God is with us and our children, and he will bring goodness out of this agony, just as he brought salvation out of the cross. I am with you as well. We and our kids will get through this hell.
Thank you for the kind words. God is apparently the one who gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other and smile on the outside.
Absolutely! :) I am intimately familiar with the darkness you're communicating.
You are totally right...God is the one giving us strength to move forward through this agony, even if we are the "walking dead," as I like to characterize the feeling in my life.
And he sees you cooperating with him and taking those steps, however shuffling... that is gritty, hard-won virtue right there: long-suffering, courage, patience, love, strength, & fortitude.
As mothers, our hearts have been torn out of our chests with the loss of our children. Just not giving up completely on life is a huge, gigantic, *enormous* victory in this horrible, bloody, carnage-ridden spiritual war.
The only thing that has helped me is to draw closer to God. So even in that, he is *already* bringing greater good out of this hell, since (we will eventually see) being closer to him is the whole point of everything...I think drawing us closer to him is just God's down payment, with further victories yet to come even in this earthly life.
Antonia,
You have said it all when you use the words “spiritual war.“ Once our children decide to eliminate us from their lives for not affirming their choice to live as someone they were not created to be, the only weapon we have is prayer. I am waiting at the top of the hill, like the prodigal’s father, ready to have a party to celebrate the return of my son.
What a lovely and wise piece. One of the big lies of gender ideology (and woke ideology in general) is that because there is suffering, there must be a fix. And there isn't a fix, medical or otherwise. We all want to escape suffering, but the harder we try, the more miserable we are. Unbearable pain CAN be born, and we do nothing to help anyone, let alone ourselves, by refusing to let the songs of the birds and the river enter our hearts.
Thank you for the hope you so beautifully described. I've been dealing with the heartbreak of being cut-off for almost 18 months now and the tears still flow frequently. Knowing others are dealing with the same is incredibly sad yet comforting at the same time. Hope is all we have to hold on to and looking forward to the day peace finds its way into my soul.
Thank you for being a voice in the silence. Never have I felt more alone and helpless than in these struggles with my child. I cry out to the Lord, I talk to husband and to my own mother, but nobody can offer me the advice or comfort I'm looking for. A futile search on the internet, leads me to stories of hate crimes and acceptance. I love my child. As a believer, I will not waiver from the truth. The very basis of life, of God's creation, stems from the one man and one woman, there simply is no in-between. I feel like I want to scream from sheer frustration. Thank you for sharing your words. Thank you for speaking my reality. Thank you to God, for the answered prayer in finding your platform. But, now what? What do we do to fix this? Where do we go from here?
This is beautiful, and so helpful. I'm in a different kind of situation with an ambiguous loss of my beloved daughter. What a help that term is - "ambiguous loss" - that I read in one of your posts, Ms. Meagher.
One way I deal with my pain is to, in prayer, give it to Jesus to unite it with his suffering on the cross, and give it to Mary to join it to her agony as a mother who had to watch her son suffer utter humiliation, disfigurement, rejection, and unbearable spiritual and physical pain. That's part of why Jesus came to earth - to become Emmanuel - "God with us" in a radical way, to join with us humans in our suffering and lift it up into his own, and to make it meaningful and fruitful.
Obviously, I'm Catholic, but even if you're not, I think it might be helpful to meditate on a crucifix and imagine the love of a God who would endure that torture (severe whipping, a "crown" of thorns, carrying of the cross, and slow, eventual suffocation on the cross) to save his children, his daughters and sons. And to imagine a loving spiritual mother who knows what depth of torment it is to endure the suffering and loss of of her child.
Most importantly, the Catholic faith gives me something to DO with my suffering, to make it productive! My prayers and my pain, offered to God for my daughter, give her grace - the help she needs to live a full, virtuous, happy life here and eventually with God in heaven. This is so incredibly consoling for me. It's said that the great theologian Saint Augustine was converted by the graces won by the tears & prayers of his mother, Saint Monica (patron saint of mothers). I ask Mary and Saint Monica for their intercession with God, and it takes some of the weight off of me as well.
Praying a rosary & or seven sorrows of Mary rosary gives me strength as well. May God bless you & yours!
Thank you so much for writing this. It gives me hope.
Thank you for giving us hope that it will get better
Gosh, Christopher, such a show of vulgarity, all in the effort to deny what you know will never change - your mother’s love for you. You will always be your mother’s only son and your mother will always love you and both of your sisters.
Just like you will never be able to change the fact that you are male.
I hope you and the man you live with have a wonderful, happy New Year.
#SexIsBinaryAndUnchangeable
#TransWomenAreMen
My gawd you sound like one of those crazy AGPs who hated himself so much for being gay that he thought he should cut his penis off as the 'cure'! Hope you get the psych help you need but I doubt you will. Signed, The Terf Next Door
Wow, are you afraid of all powerful women who seek to protect the rights of women and children? Sad.
If I know one thing about Lynne Meager, it's that she loves and misses her kids most of all.
Lynn speaks for hundreds of affected families including mine. Three cheers for Lynn Meagher!!!
Wow, so what kinds of qualifications do you have to be able to diagnose your mother? If you are actually qualified, you do realize that discussing it in public is unprofessional at best, and an actionable Offense? You're lucky to be a hateful child and not one of the numerous unethical mental health professionals who exist among us. Try not to hurt yourself sonny boy.
It is clear you have strong feelings about this, however personal attacks are not reasonable. Lynn is doing important work standing up for those who are vulnerable and protecting children. I am thankful for her efforts.
This person is so mature--notice the 2nd grade name calling? And lacking in basic honesty. I--have read the book. It is reliable; it just does not feed into the compelled speech and validation transgenders require.
It's very sad, and speaks volumes about your character, that you would seek out your mother's writing just to leave these juvenile comments. I've lived through abuse and had a narcissistic parent who hurt me very much, and I would never seek out my abuser to leave comments like this. So what that says to me is that Lynn is not some terrible evil person but a scapegoat you feel safe and comfortable harassing and attacking online. Because the terrible evil people in my life? I try very hard to stay away from them, just for my own safety and peace of mind. I don't go to their blogs and call them "poopoo peepee dumb dumb."